New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology

VICTORIA DRUGGS:
Whilst the squirrel is considered the most intelligent of all rodents, scientists have for many years believed its primary interests to be trees, nuts, and the general mystery of why cousin rat eats eight-month-old beefburgers out of bins. However, as documented in a new study released today, scientists have discovered that squirrels have a much more sophisticated selection of thoughts. Continue reading New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology
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The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

The Making of British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

BOB LEGGITT:
Every so often, a piece of journalism comes along and turns news reporting on its head. Incisive, clever, insightful – a game-changing story is what every news team strives to serve to the public. This is the story of a piece of journalism that set out to scoop fourteen news awards, an NTA nomination, twenty-seven five-star media reviews, and a BAFTA… And failed. On all counts. In fact it was dropped from the late bulletin to make way for a piece called British Women Drink More Gin Than Water. Continue reading The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

How to Exorcise a Lavatory

Exorcising a toilet

VICTORIA DRUGGS:
There are a few things in life that everyone hopes they will never have to face. One of the very most harrowing, is the discovery of a haunted toilet. It’s not the sort of thing you ask when viewing your new home…

“Oh yes, the coving is very well fitted and I particularly like the kitchen design. But tell me: is the toilet haunted?…”

And even if you do think to ask, let’s face it; the answer is not going to be “yes”, is it?

“Ah, I’m glad you asked, Madam! Because the home you’re about to purchase has the most haunted lavatory in Britain. The list of demonic visitations extends back to 1944, and once rendered the lavatory uninhabitable for a period of ten full years.

Various cursed objects were found thrust down the bowl. The toilet was, for example, blocked by a non-biodegradable Bible between late June and early July 1968. And then, when the Bible was finally blasted out of the system by a highly experienced plumber, the troubled, ghostly presence thrust two more Bibles down into its place. In the ensuing years, no fewer than 7,147 non-biodegradable Bibles have been thrust down this toilet under unexplained circumstances. It’s believed that in February 1989, there were nine Bibles down there at once. Will you be buying the house Madam?…”

If you’re buying a new home, and the toilet is haunted, chances are you’re not going to find out about it until it’s too late. Your lavatory will need to be exorcised, and that opens up a whole new array of problems… Continue reading How to Exorcise a Lavatory

Campaign to Make Life Quotes Illegal

life quote

SHANDI BEEVER:
I am campaigning to make life quotes illegal, on the basis that they are indiscriminately persuading Twitter users not to give up on their goals, when they should never even have set any goals in the first place.

In association with a small group of scientists who have asked to remain nameless, I have determined that life quotes are not only bad advice for 90% of Twitter’s userbase – they are also a form of torture. Accordingly, they should carry a minimum sentence of life imprisonment, in solitary confinement, on a diet of highly laxative cereal and water.

Please do whatever you can to spread this message and further the campaign, since I literally can’t be bothered. Continue reading Campaign to Make Life Quotes Illegal

How Big Was John the Baptist’s Dick?

SHANDI BEEVER:
To cut a long story short, I need to find out how big John the Baptist’s penis was. This has become a matter of considerable urgency, but I can’t be bothered to read the Bible, and I’m not even sure the Bible will contain the information I need. So if anyone has the answer and would like to drop it in the comments, I’m all ears… Continue reading How Big Was John the Baptist’s Dick?

What is an Eyebrow War?

Q Answers Header

ROD B SANDLEMAN:
My daughter has barricaded herself into her room and she will not come out. All I am able to establish is that there has been an “eyebrow war”. What is an eyebrow war? Continue reading What is an Eyebrow War?