The REAL Secrets of Astral Projection

Astral Projection

VICTORIA DRUGGS (Guest Writer):
There’s a lot of nonsense talked about astral projection. Most of it by spiritual life gurus who couldn’t levitate three centimetres off a crash mat in a space simulator – let alone soar across the globe on cosmic energy. But those of us who have been fortunate enough to discover the real secrets of astral projection have, until now, been silent.

WHY THE SILENCE?

Astral specialists, spiritualists, witches, psychics, and other people who go to work in their pyjamas, have for long been reluctant to publish the truth about astral projection.

Why? Well, it seems that almost everything we advise the public to do gets us into some kind of trouble. I, for example, was jailed for a week after advising a failing astral traveller to drink half a pint of vodka and jump off a step ladder in his underpants. That is NOT, incidentally, the actual secret of astral projection, but in fairness, at no point did I ever tell the gentleman that it was. I simply needed content for my psychic YouTube channel, and considered the concept to be quite entertaining. InjuryLawyers4U and the Metropolitan Police did not agree.

How to Exorcise a Toilet
Accomplishing that most difficult of exorcisms without being detained by Social Services…

PROHIBITION

A few years ago, revealing the secrets of astral projection on the Internet was, in fact, prohibited by the Psychic Mafia, as the share culture of social media really began to boom. There were grave fears that placing the key information in the public domain would put astral tutors out of business. A nameless spokesperson for the organisation memorably warned in a group email…

“If any c*** tweets or f***ing Facebooks the f***ing secret to astral f***ing projection. The whole f***ing lot of us are f***ing f***ed. This shit is VIRAL and it will spread the f***ing information to every corner of the f***ing world!
We hereby issue an offical f***ing edict. DO NOT F***ING TWEET OR FACEBOOK THE SECRET OF ASTRAL F***ING PROJECTION! If any psychic breaches this edict, their Tantric Swinging Licence will be permanently revoked.”

They knew that no psychic would ever risk their Tantric Swinging Licence. The real secrets stayed under wraps, and online, only the myths could be found.

THE TRUTH COMES FORWARD

But in 2011, Bob Leggitt leaked a photograph of actual astral travel to his (now closed) blog Mystical Heartland. That’s the photograph you see heading this post.

It was the photograph no astral specialist wanted to see in cyberspace, and Bob was promptly punished for bringing the reality of this amazing experience to the wider world. He had already lost his Tantric Swinging Licence for singing a power ballad at a tantric wedding, but the Psychic Mafia took further action. They did create a doll precisely resembling Bob, and did stick forks into its buttocks, before dipping it in dog food, microwaving it for 15 minutes, and then letting a poodle chew on it for five hours. Bob now lives with an incurable, morbid fear of poodles, and a permanently sore bottom.

You’ll notice that in the picture, everything looks a sort of orange colour, and there’s a series of astral lights. These lights mark out the traveller’s path as he or she progresses through the journey. The astral journey cannot and will not begin until the traveller sees these lights and the orange haze.

Male Astrological Signs
A summary of men’s astrological characteristics from an innovative survey…

“HOW DO I START SEEING THE LIGHTS AND THE ORANGE HAZE?”

A rare few people are born with the ability to naturally summon the orange haze on demand. Others have consumed a cocktail of handpicked ‘shrooms and gin, which is said to reliably evoke the haze, but which almost invariably kills the participant and is therefore not recommended.

It has, however, for long been well known among astral specialists, that special spectacles can set the brain into the correct mode for astral travel, by simulating the orange haze and triggering the astral mechanism. Rick Uncensored currently holds the world patent for Astral Spectacles®, and sells them at tantric communions in the Birmingham and Worcestershire areas.

Here’s how he suggests the spectacles should be used…

“Congratulations on your purchase of the revolutionary Astral Spectacles®. They should give you many years of trouble free use. To use them, simply put them on, watch the world go orange, and wait for your first guide light to appear. Begin your journey by focusing on that first light. Now shift your focus to the second light.

See how you begin to travel?… Great isn’t it?!… As you get more confident travelling you can slowly sweep your eyes along the line of lights to speed up your motion. Try not to crash into pylons or tall trees, as it is not a particularly pleasant experience and you will void the warranty on your spectacles.

Please be aware that you should not wear these spectacles if you are: near a road, on the edge of a cliff, on the roof of a tall building, near a train line, working with dangerous machinery, or near an open window. Astral Spectacles® are engineered to make the world look orange – not to prevent death if you fall off a cliff or are run over by a bus.”

“HOW DO I STOP AND RETURN TO A MORE EARTHLY EXPERIENCE?”

Take the glasses off.”

So, there you have it. The definitive astral tutorial with a bit of background history thrown in for good measure. Have a good flight!


 
REPLIES…

Matthew Widehead:
Blog Member

I’m not saying that this has actually happened, but if I was wearing Rick’s Astral Glasses in bed, and I OOBE’d up to the ceiling and hovered there for a while, then I floated a little too high and burned my manhood on an exposed lightbulb, and when I got back into my earthly body my actual real manhood was stinging and red and it had a blister on it, would I be entitled to compensation?

Victoria Druggs:
Guest Writer

I doubt it.

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

But where there’s blame, there’s a claim. And it definitely wasn’t my fault.

Victoria Druggs:
Guest Writer

So it has actually happened then?

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

I’m not here to discuss any private incidents that may or may not have taken place. What I need to establish is, hypothetically, if it had happened, would there be any way I could take the spectacle vendor to court on a no win no fee basis?

michael9
Blog Member

Was there an adequate lamp shade?

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

There’s no point in trying to fill in any detail until he tells us whether or not it’s actually happened.

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

Let’s say that hypothetically, there was a lampshade, but the bulb was still exposed from below.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

Look, HAVE YOU BURNED YOUR DICK ON A LIGHTBULB OR HAVEN’T YOU?

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

You should know. You’re supposed to be a private detective.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

Sir: I have more important things to do with my time and money than conduct stealth investigations into whether or not you have burned your dick on a lightbulb. If you cannot make your mind up whether this incident did or did not take place, this conversation is over.

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

Is the Administrator of this blog still sending all the private messages to Burger King? If not, I’ll tell you via PM.

Matthew Widehead
Blog Member

Anyone?

This post was last updated in October 2017. It is for entertainment purposes only.

Advertisements