Security Questions

MEETAPLEX:
One of the fundamental requirements for a prosperous dating environment is a feeling of safety. We want all our members to feel that when they arrange a date they are totally safe. Even if they’ve accidentally hooked up with a creep, we want them to feel that it will not be long before an officer of the law is on the scene unleashing a large dog to bite him repetitively and violently in the genitals until he changes his attitude.

In the interests of reassuring our community, the Old Bill have kindly agreed to answer a few questions here on the blog. Please make your questions concise and to the point…


COMMENTS…

michael9
Blog Member

If you see a wanted burglar about 80 yards up the road, why do you shout:

“OI!!!… Police!!!!… Stop right where you are!!!”?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Because they no longer issue us with a whistle.

michael9
Blog Member

Yeah but the burglars never stop do they? They always leg it. And if they’ve got an 80 yard head start you’ve probably lost them. That’s why you never catch any criminals. So would it not make more sense to creep up on them quietly and grab them? Then cuff them and tie their legs together and bung them on the floor… And then shoot them in the balls with a taser… And THEN shout whatever it is that you have to shout?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Yes it would. But we don’t make the rules – we only follow them.

Ed Case:
Blog Member

If I nicked a bus with no brakes, and you actually knew the bus had no brakes, would that make you more likely or less likely to set up a roadblock?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

More likely.

Ed Case:
Blog Member

So you’d knowingly write off some police cars which cost a lot of taxpayers’ money?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

A road block does not have to be made up of police cars. If we knew you’d nicked a bus with no brakes we’d probably drive up alongside you and shoot your tyres as a first resort. Then after you’d slowed down to walking pace we’d probably strap a mattress to a skip and chuck that in the road to reliably and safely halt the vehicle.

Ed Case:
Blog Member

But wouldn’t I just be able to ram you off the road when you pulled up alongside me at high speed?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Well, I don’t know. Has the bus got a steering wheel?

Ed Case:
Blog Member

Er, yeah. Why would it not have a steering wheel?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Dunno. Same reason it’s got no brakes I suppose. We’d have to deal with the situation in the moment, based on whatever equipment the bus did or did not have.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

Why does your boss say “stand by” when you’re sitting in a car on an obbo watching a drug den? And why does it take four of you to keep an eye on someone’s house?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Stand by basically means “get ready to arrest the baddies”. And it doesn’t take four of us to watch a house. It takes four of us to arrest the baddies.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

But what does your boss want you to do differently when he says “stand by”? You’re already watching the drug den with a view to arresting the baddies – or you should be. What changes when your boss says “stand by”?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Well, some of us might be eating crisps. When the guv’nor says “stand by” we put the crisps down.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

So couldn’t he just say “put the crisps down”?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

No, because if some of us were eating sandwiches and some were eating crisps, some officers would continue eating their sandwiches.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

Okay then, “put down your sandwiches or crisps”.

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Or cheeseburgers. Or KFC… It’s easier just to say “stand by”.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

Yes but then you have to train all officers to understand that “stand by” means “put down your crisps, sandwiches, cheeseburgers or KFC”, and that costs money.

Old Bill:
Blog Member

No you don’t, and no it doesn’t. If someone is too stupid to realise that they need to put their crisps, sandwiches, burgers or KFC down when the boss says “stand by”, they will fail the entrance exams.

Pathfinger:
Blog Member

What, so there’s a question in the entrance exams asking what the boss would say to a car full of police officers when he wants them to put their crisps, sandwiches, burgers and KFC down?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

I’m not at liberty to divulge the nature of precise questions from the entrance exams. And for reference, the boss will not necessarily be a he.

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Thank you for your questions. I hope you all now have a greater understanding of how we operate and that you all feel much safer in your community.

Katie Shox:
Blog Member

Is that it?

Old Bill:
Blog Member

Yes.

Katie Shox:
Blog Member

But I’ve poisoned my personal trainer…

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