If You Should Die During a Sex Chat Call…

Shandi Beever Insurance Poster

SHANDI BEEVER:
Have you ever considered what would happen if you were in the middle of an intimate phone chat with me or one of our other naughty night time chat babes and you suddenly died? Statistically, you are in fact 8 times more likely to expire during a remote sexual encounter than you are whilst swimming in shark infested waters with a pork chop hanging round your neck. Did you know that if you call me on our Xtra Leg™ channel tonight, you are 72,000 times more likely to be dead by the end of the call than you are to win the lottery by the end of next week?

Masturbation-related deaths are not widely reported or discussed. But when they happen, they can devastate lives. Have you considered how I would cope without you in the event of your death? If my phone chat killed just 15 regular customers in 2014, I would lose an average of £6,850 in pre-tax earnings, and that would create a hardship no one should have to suffer.

That’s why Quixie is now offering TommyTank™ insurance. It’s simple, quick, and you don’t have to fill in any forms. Just visit the members’ area on our site, get your discount code, and call one of our friendly customer service representatives on the number provided. Simply type your credit card details into the phone whilst in the menu, and our lovely adviser will process your policy. She’ll even send you ten dirty texts for free once the transaction is finalised!

So what are you waiting for guys? Knowing that I would not lose income in the event of your death is an invaluable peace of mind. Just as a real man would not leave his wife without financial security in the event of his tragic demise, a real fan would not leave me without compensation in the event that he was to inadvertently drop dead whilst yanking his plank.


 
COMMENTS…

Cock of the North:
Blog Member

So let me just get this straight… You are expecting your fans to pay an insurance premium so that if you accidentally kill them, you won’t lose the money they spend on phonecalls???!!!! Beyond shocking!

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Alright, don’t get your knickers in a twist – it’s only £10 a month!

Richard Lingham:
Blog Member

Personally, I feel this is an extremely positive move, and I would like to thank Shandi so much for bringing it to our attention in such a breathtakingly sensitive, helpful manner, and with a clarity all too rare in the insurance industry. As the beautiful Shandi so rightly points out, a real man has a duty to look after the woman in his life, and I most definitely intend to make sure that there would be no hardship for Shandi in the event that the scintillating excitement of her chat was to give me a monumental coronary. The only small point I wanted to raise is that when I called the Insurance Centre, the girl kept talking in Japanese…

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Well she would do – it’s in Japan.

Richard Lingham:
Blog Member

Ah! That explains it. I mean, she sounded very friendly – I just couldn’t understand the terms and conditions. But I’m sure everything’s fine.

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

The terms and conditions are that it’s ten quid a month, if you pop your cloggs I still get paid, and if you want to cancel you have to inform the Insurance Centre by phone.

michael_9:
Blog Member

Do they understand English then?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

No, you’d have to inform them in their native language.

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

So if you want to cancel the insurance you have to learn to speak Japanese?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Yes, but why would you want to cancel? I’m not protected if you cancel.

michael_9:
Blog Member

Are the ten free dirty texts in Japanese too?

Richard Lingham:
Blog Member

No, six are in Romanian and the other four are in German.

Rod B Sandleman:
Blog Member

Not always. I got 3 in Romanian, 1 in Spanish and 5 in Macedonian.

michael_9:
Blog Member

That’s only nine.

Rod B Sandleman:
Blog Member

I know.

Superteeth:
Blog Member

shandi i will get the insurance if u send me 10 pix of ur tit’s

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