What Has Happened To My Urine?!

Lost Property Inventory

SHANDI BEEVER:
On 4th June 2014, I sent five litres of urine to the police in a paint pot. I have phoned them several times to ask if it has yet been analysed, and have been told on each occasion that “someone would get back to me”.

As yet, I have not received a single call-back, and my agent has now ascertained that the status of my urine has been officially categorised as “missing”. In other words, the police have lost it. I wouldn’t mind so much if this was simply three dribbles in a test tube, but it is not – it is almost 9 pints in an exterior masonry paint container. If anyone can provide any advice on this, please go ahead…


 
COMMENTS…

michael_9:
Blog Member

What have you done?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

What d’you mean: “What have I done”?

michael_9:
Blog Member

Why did the police tell you to post your piss to them?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

They didn’t.

Cock of the North:
Blog Member

What, so you just got up one morning and thought: “I think I’ll send five litres of piss to the police!”?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

No, I was concerned about my urine because it was turquoise, and I considered police detectives best positioned to get to the bottom of the matter.

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

To the point where you needed to send five litres?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Yes.

WARBECK:
Blog Member

And you didn’t think it might make more sense to send it to a doctor?

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Why? The police are supposed to give it to a doctor anyway. If I sent it to a doctor I would then have to send a separate container to the police, which they would in any case send to the doctor. So I would have to send two parcels, and the doctor would end up with two containers full of piss. That would just be stupid.

Superteeth:
Blog Member

I wud of took it to the optician

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

Er, why?

Superteeth:
Blog Member

in case its ur eye sight

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

In case what’s my eyesight?

Superteeth:
Blog Member

the wee is still yelo but u fink its blue cuz u cant see properz

Rod B Sandleman:
Blog Member

Maybe that’s why the police have lost it!

Cock of the North:
Blog Member

What, because they can’t see properly?

Rod B Sandleman:
Blog Member

No, because they’re looking for a massive container of turquoise piss instead of a massive container of yellow piss!

SHANDI BEEVER:
Blog Member

How many 5 litre containers of piss do you think there are in the lost property office at Scotland Yard?????!!!!

Cock of the North:
Blog Member

You sent it to Scotland Yard???!!!!

Richard Lingham:
Blog Member

Shandi, you were so right to send a significant sample to the police in this highly unusual circumstance. Frankly, it beggars belief that a group of seasoned Scotland Yard detectives could mislay a bucket of turquoise urine, and it worries me not inconsiderably to think that these are the people who are supposed to be protecting our security. I very much hope your submission is found, correctly analysed, and duly returned.

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