NEVER Buy Fertiliser on Auto/Repeat-Delivery!

Carlos Fandango Tractor Making Fertiliser Delivery

BOB LEGGITT:
Back in 2007, I ordered online a significant quantity of horse manure from a farm, in the advent of a local bloom contest. The manure was delivered promptly and efficiently, and whilst the Supersize drop lingered a lot longer than I envisaged, in time, the huge pile did steadily diminish in size until it was gone.

I’d forgotten about the whole thing until October 2014, when I arrived home to find that out of the blue, another huge delivery had been made. Not wanting this massive dump of horse crap in my garden, I promptly phoned the farm, who said that it was an auto-delivery, made because I had not un-ticked the auto-delivery checkbox on the order form back in 2007. After a long conversation, during which I thought I had made my wishes clear, I got on with my life.

Until the following month, when another Supersize mountain of crap was deposited on my lawn, right next to the pre-existing pile. Again, there was a lengthy phone conversation and I thought I’d got things straight.

But no. I went on a month’s holiday from late November and so was not at home. But on the approach to my residence as I arrived back yesterday, a large Carlos Fandango tractor was just heading out of the area with an empty manure container, which I suspected had just been emptied into my garden.

I was right. And in fact, yet another Supersize delivery had been dropped in the interim, creating such a mountain of crap that my house is now barely visible to bypassers. I am currently awaiting a callback from the farm, but this is still unresolved. I am thus advising anyone ordering large quantities of manure to carefully ensure they do not inadvertently select some kind of ‘auto-delivery’ option which leaves their garden buried under a mountain of crap and renders them unable to see out of the window.


REPLIES…

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Don’t worry, this will be sorted by the end of the day.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

Who are you?

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Shit Direct.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

I can see that. I mean what is your involvement in this? I’ve never dealt with you – I placed the order with Gold Medal Farming & Garden Supplies Ltd.

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

We act as a subcontractor for them. They have the capability to produce vast quantities of shit, but not the infrastructure to deliver it. We are a high capacity logistics operation which is easily able to meet GMFGSL’s delivery needs. In fact, we could, if we cancelled all staff leave, deliver eight times the amount of shit they can produce.

We identified a serious error with the auto delivery system in October 2014, which revealed that you should by then have had 7 repeat dumps, but had not received any. We therefore made one dump immediately, and one in Novermber. We did another dump on 1st December, and returned yesterday to bring things up to date. However, our delivery crew were only able to fit half a dump into your garden, meaning that you are still owed 3 and a half more dumps. We acknowledge this and apologise, but can assure you that a compression crew will be sent to you shortly to de-hydrate and de-volumise your existing shit, thus making room for the remaining dumps. You will receive all 3 and a half remaining dumps by the end of the day.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE SHIT!!!!

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

We can pre-compress today’s dumps down into dehydrated concentrate if space is a problem. You’ll have to add water when you want to use it, but it’ll fit into your garden and you will be able to access your home. Obviously if it rains you might have a problem, but it’s dry today and I think the next week or so is going to be pretty dry too.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

So every time it rains the shit will expand?

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Yes, but we can send a crew to de-hydrate it again – on demand.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

Right, listen to me now, because you’re not grasping the nature of my problem… HOW DO I GET LESS SHIT IN MY GARDEN??!!!

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Wait until the crew come round with the final dump, and ask them to compress it all. All our tractors and wagons can suck the water out of horse crap on demand – you don’t have to pre-book.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

Yeah; that’s MORE shit, with less water in it. What I want is LESS ACTUAL SHIT.

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

We can’t deliver less actual shit than you’ve bought. That would be against Trading Standards regulations.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

So what do you suggest?

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Your best hope is for a rogue gardening company to steal it.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

People STEAL shit?

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

It’s feasible.

Bob Leggitt:
Author

What’s the likelihood?

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Theoretically or in practical terms?

Bob Leggitt:
Author

Either.

Shit Direct:
Steaming Subcontract

Nil.

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