What Actually IS Astrology?

Cathedral and Celestials by Night

Astrology is an incalculably popular phenomenon, which has, over the course of time, prompted more status updates and personality assessments than Facebook and Twitter combined. But what is the REAL nature of astrology?

The official definition of astrology is as follows…

ASTROLOGY. A means by which work-shy, prematurely-wrinkled 50-year-olds can make money, in their pyjamas and a bandana, in a tent on the end of a pier, or in an overpriced, low-quality magazine.”

HISTORY

Back in the mists of time, someone in Asia came up with the basic concept of astrology. It was quite simple and it made perfect sense. What it stated, was that the movements of the Sun, Earth, etc, made the environment warmer or cooler, lighter or darker, and affected the growth of crops – which is true. The early astrologers did not try to say that the position of Uranus when you were born was the deciding factor in whether or not you would, by the age of 25, star in a sex tape with a bankrupt reality TV personality.

However, the inventors of astrology did not budget for the fact that it would eventually get into the hands of the British. We, the Brits, changed astrology. We proudly transformed it from a simple but logical science, into yet another way of explaining why middle-aged spinsters find it impossible to attract men. Or why they do occasionally attract men, but the men they attract will invariably turn out to be the subject of a nationwide police manhunt – because they’re men who pretend to be racing drivers or international movie directors, then borrow about ten thousand quid from women in hotel bars, and then do a runner. Astrology has proved to be one of the best ways in the world of explaining the above phenomenon, without actually having to inform the woman that she’s unbearably dull.

SUCCESS RATE

Astrology can be brilliantly successful on either of two provisos…

  1. When the horoscope is so vague that it can literally apply to anyone in the world, on any day of the week.
  2. When astrology is used retrospectively, as a means to explain something that happened more than ten minutes ago.

So, in summary, astrology is at its brilliant best in situations where no one actually needs it.

CAN ASTROLOGY PREDICT WHETHER YOU’LL END UP IN A SEX TAPE WITH A BANKRUPT REALITY TV STAR?

No.

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