If you think you’ve seen enough of Barry Scott and his beloved Cillit Bang during your evenings in front of the telly, you’d better brace yourself for one Butchard Plank, and his altogether bigger, louder, and frankly, more expensive campaign. Yes, there’s a new technology in town, and this one, says product inventor Plank, is gonna knock you flat.
Okay, so you’ve overdone it with the pizza and chocolate cake, and now, unless you make a nominal application of industrial grease to your bottom, you can’t get your trousers on. Of course, you may, if you wish, continue to grease your bottom, or your belly, or whatever else it is that stops you from wrenching your garments into place. But then you have to wash you clothes more aggressively, which means they can shrink, compounding the problem.
That’s why Plank Industries have come up with a brand new solution which actually expands your clothes.
Clothez Xpandr is a proprietary chemical treatment which comes in a compact, self-heating blimp, costing £2.99 and, according to Plank, capable of expanding up to five full garments. One application apparently expands the garment by one size. If you want to go up another size, just wait 15 minutes and apply again. Theoretically, this means one blimp can expand, say, a single mankini, by five sizes, in about an hour. But does it really work? Butchard Plank explains…
“The science is totally sound. This is the only treatment in the world which can actually elongate fibre without putting you in hospital and killing all your pets.”
So it is completely safe?
“We recommend keeping a supply of emergency oxygen at the ready, and you may not be able to walk in a straight line for around two hours after an application. And we’d advise moving your indoor plants out of the house if you wish them to live. But yes, it’s basically safe. It kills wasps too, which is a great bonus in the summer.”
So there you have it. It’s safe, it’s revolutionary, and if you like pizza and chocolate, your worries are over.