Clothez Xpandr Expands Your Clothes

Clothez Xpandr Xpands Clothes

If you think you’ve seen enough of Barry Scott and his beloved Cillit Bang during your evenings in front of the telly, you’d better brace yourself for one Butchard Plank, and his altogether bigger, louder, and frankly, more expensive campaign. Yes, there’s a new technology in town, and this one, says product inventor Plank, is gonna knock you flat.

Okay, so you’ve overdone it with the pizza and chocolate cake, and now, unless you make a nominal application of industrial grease to your bottom, you can’t get your trousers on. Of course, you may, if you wish, continue to grease your bottom, or your belly, or whatever else it is that stops you from wrenching your garments into place. But then you have to wash you clothes more aggressively, which means they can shrink, compounding the problem.

That’s why Plank Industries have come up with a brand new solution which actually expands your clothes.

Clothez Xpandr is a proprietary chemical treatment which comes in a compact, self-heating blimp, costing £2.99 and, according to Plank, capable of expanding up to five full garments. One application apparently expands the garment by one size. If you want to go up another size, just wait 15 minutes and apply again. Theoretically, this means one blimp can expand, say, a single mankini, by five sizes, in about an hour. But does it really work? Butchard Plank explains…

“The science is totally sound. This is the only treatment in the world which can actually elongate fibre without putting you in hospital and killing all your pets.”

So it is completely safe?

“We recommend keeping a supply of emergency oxygen at the ready, and you may not be able to walk in a straight line for around two hours after an application. And we’d advise moving your indoor plants out of the house if you wish them to live. But yes, it’s basically safe. It kills wasps too, which is a great bonus in the summer.”

So there you have it. It’s safe, it’s revolutionary, and if you like pizza and chocolate, your worries are over.

 
REPLIES…

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

Just got a trial pack from the corner shop. Gonna try it on my jacket.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

Way to go, Gerald! Let us know how you get on!

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

Starting the application now.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

Great! Be sure to report back on the amazing results…

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

Okay… I’ve now got double vision, and the buttons have fallen off.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

But is the jacket now the right size?

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

I think it’s too big now.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

Cool. You’ll grow into it.

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

And the curtains have fallen off the rail, and the wallpaper is peeling off the wall.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

Okay, you obviously haven’t followed the instructions properly. Open the front door and let some air in.

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

I can’t. The carpet has expanded and jammed all the doors. Will it shrink again or will I have to climb in and out of the windows to leave and enter the house from now on?

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

We’re working on a fast-shrink blimp, which should be ready around 2019. If you can hang around until then, you’ll literally be able to control your curtains and your carpet. For now, I would recommend climbing in and out of the windows, yes.

Gerald Fox:
Blog Member

Thanks for your help.

Butchard Plank:
Blog Member

No problem. Glad to be of service.

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