Christian Troll Needs Abusive Posts Removed

Stop to Buy Your Salvation

CRAWFORD SMOOTHE:
I am a recently born again Christian, who was, until yesterday morning, a prominent Internet troll and keyboard warrior. I have left a long and widespread trail of childish abuse right across the Internet, including highly disparaging comments in relation to Christmas YouTube videos, foul language on religious forums, and a 487-post argument on a news site, in which I accused Jesus of being a professional blagger who needed a haircut, a shave and a wash, and whose only fans were recovering ‘shroom addicts.

I am now concerned that Jesus and God will find all my posts and send me to Hell, where heavy metal bands will subject me to a continuous loop of Smoke On The Water and try to push a bass guitar up my bottom. I’ve lost my login details for Google, and most of the other sites have strict no-revision/retraction policies. Please help me! How do I get my posts removed???!


 
REPLIES…

Explanationz:
Blog Member

Minor miracles such as breaking housewives out of sneezing fits would rarely evoke much in the way of applause from Jesus’s audience. But bigger events, such as Feeding the Five Thousand, would typically prompt a sustained, if well mannered ovation.

Turning Water Into Wine was Jesus’s most applauded miracle by some distance. Whilst Walking on Water received some of the most enthusiastic cheers and whistles in the history of magic, the audience was only very small, so the overall volume of noise would not have rivalled the wine trick.

By far the most difficult miracle Jesus ever performed was his own resurrection. Even the world’s greatest experts in magic acknowledge that they need to be alive in order to perform tricks. Indeed, it is the fact that Jesus could perform tricks even when dead, which has set him apart from regular magicians, and made him by far the most famous miracle worker in history.

However, whilst The Resurrection was the most technically accomplished and spectacular miracle Jesus ever performed, it still failed to get louder applause than the wine trick.

Generally, when taking his applause, Jesus would merely give a professional stage nod, and say: “Thank you“, or “Cheers“. He may, if the applause was particularly enthusiastic, take a modest bow, or start pointing and winking at specific individuals in the crowd.

One of the lesser known facts about Jesus is that some of his miracles would get cancelled due to lack of interest or audience volume. He was actually scheduled to re-stage the old Moses trick of Parting the Waves, but very few people turned up, and Jesus’s agent (a figure very seldom mentioned in historical text) pulled the event at the last minute, accusing a hired publicist of incompetence.

Other miracles Jesus is said to have cancelled due to low turnout included turning a goose into a chicken, turning a stone into a stick, and turning a fish sandwich into a tomato salad.

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

AAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!… WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT???!!!!

Geri Con Carne:
Blog Member

Do what?

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

Go onto Google, find an article that’s got absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the question that’s just been asked, and then copy and paste the whole [expletive removed] thing as a reply????…

Can anyone help me with this, or not?…

Douglas Lapcraq:
Blog Member

An online post is a self-contained expression, extant on the World Wide Web, and typically comprising text and/or rich media such as photographic or video matter.

The majority of the Internet’s posts are placed onto social media sites. The individuals publishing such posts are largely unpaid, and range from media and business professionals, to cheapskate, attention-seeking men who spend literally all their time pestering women with large breasts.

Whilst the content of the attention-seeking male cheapskate’s posts does little more than relentlessly fawn, he is not generally liked by the large-breasted women he approaches. Most typically, the women will find him creepy and mentally-knackering. They would never knowingly venture within a ten mile radius of him without a police escort, a can of Mace and a taser gun, let alone arrange to meet him. He may offer to buy them gifts in a bid to change their minds, but such gifts will normally be undesirable. For example, perfume that smells like fly-killer, discolours fabric and actively attracts fleas.

One would also expect to find online posts on commercial websites, blogs, forums, review sites and advertorial/scam sites. Online posts range in nature from factual and true, through fantasy and comedy, to deliberately misleading. An example of a deliberately misleading post would be one which informs the reader that he or she stands to earn a large sum of money doing basically nothing. The intention behind this is to trick the reader into accepting a computer virus, which sends their bank details to a bent financial advisor and sends POV porn to their grandparents.

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

I KNOW WHAT A [expletive removed] POST IS YOU COMPLETE [expletive removed] [expletive removed]!!!! WHY DON’T YOU [expletive removed] OFF AND [suggestion removed] YOU [expletive removed]!!!!

If you can’t answer my actual question, STFU!!!!!

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

Anyone got a proper answer?

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

Anyone???…

Crawford Smoothe:
Blog Member

Pretty please???… I’ll put a good word in for you with God…

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