There are a few things in life that everyone hopes they will never have to face. One of the very most harrowing, is the discovery of a haunted toilet. It’s not the sort of thing you ask when viewing your new home…
“Oh yes, the coving is very well fitted and I particularly like the kitchen design. But tell me: is the toilet haunted?…”
And even if you do think to ask, let’s face it; the answer is not going to be “yes”, is it?
“Ah, I’m glad you asked, Madam! Because the home you’re about to purchase has the most haunted lavatory in Britain. The list of demonic visitations extends back to 1944, and once rendered the lavatory uninhabitable for a period of ten full years.
Various cursed objects were found thrust down the bowl. The toilet was, for example, blocked by a non-biodegradable Bible between late June and early July 1968. And then, when the Bible was finally blasted out of the system by a highly experienced plumber, the troubled, ghostly presence thrust two more Bibles down into its place. In the ensuing years, no fewer than 7,147 non-biodegradable Bibles have been thrust down this toilet under unexplained circumstances. It’s believed that in February 1989, there were nine Bibles down there at once. Will you be buying the house Madam?…”
If you’re buying a new home, and the toilet is haunted, chances are you’re not going to find out about it until it’s too late. Your lavatory will need to be exorcised, and that opens up a whole new array of problems…
Most people’s first instinct is to call an exorcist. If they can find one. But you try asking an exorcist if they exorcise toilets and see how far you get. Most will think you’re being facetious and put the phone down. The rest?… Well…
“Excuse me, but do you exorcise toilets?”
“How many Bibles have been pushed down it?”
“No, I’m sorry, I’m too busy at the moment.”
So you’re going to have to do it yourself. Fortunately, as a psychic witch it is my business to know the correct process for exorcising toilets. Here are the instructions…
You will need…
- A picture of Jesus.
- A plumber.
- A screwdriver.
- A box of matches and probably some lighter fluid.
- A Bible that has not yet been pushed down the toilet.
- Some grapefruit juice in a plant spray.
Detach the toilet door from its hinges, then take it outside and burn it. Read as much of the New Testament as you possibly can, out loud, as the door burns to ashes. And when I say loud I mean shout. If your neighbours threaten to call social services, do not tell them you are exorcising your toilet, as you are likely to end up being sectioned. Extinguish the door, stop reading the Bible, and continue after your neighbours have gone out.
With the door destroyed, return to the toilet with a qualified plumber who has experience of removing Bibles from lavatories. Ask the plumber to exhume any Bibles from the bowl and piping system, then slam down the toilet lid and sit on it. Loudly recite the Lord’s Prayer as you sit on the toilet.
If the plumber begins to projectile vomit, show him a picture of Jesus and spray him with grapefruit juice.
Any ghost or demon occupying that toilet will, if it knows what’s good for it, have gone.