Tag Archives: news

Exposing the Dark World of NRGCult

The Cult

If ever you’ve felt like joining a secret cult, full of witches, sorcery and er… male feminists, your option of the moment just has to be NRGCult. Anchored at a secret location on the ‘dark net’, the organisation is run by a collective of powerful ‘spellcrafters’, whose magick appears to be upscaling the membership volume at an alarming rate.

The group’s main recruitment drive centres around love spells. Huge transfers of cosmic energy which can make the very most coveted celebrity fall madly and deeply for some vacant blob of sap who resides in his mother’s basement. The love spells are free, but they can only be cast for members, so anyone wanting that dream partner must join the Cult. Continue reading Exposing the Dark World of NRGCult

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New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology

VICTORIA DRUGGS:
Whilst the squirrel is considered the most intelligent of all rodents, scientists have for many years believed its primary interests to be trees, nuts, and the general mystery of why cousin rat eats eight-month-old beefburgers out of bins. However, as documented in a new study released today, scientists have discovered that squirrels have a much more sophisticated selection of thoughts. Continue reading New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology

The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

The Making of British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

BOB LEGGITT:
Every so often, a piece of journalism comes along and turns news reporting on its head. Incisive, clever, insightful – a game-changing story is what every news team strives to serve to the public. This is the story of a piece of journalism that set out to scoop fourteen news awards, an NTA nomination, twenty-seven five-star media reviews, and a BAFTA… And failed. On all counts. In fact it was dropped from the late bulletin to make way for a piece called British Women Drink More Gin Than Water. Continue reading The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

SHANDI BEEVER:
I have been gladdened by the news that my virtual boyfriend Richard Lingham has finally sought help for his issues… Well, when I say he sought help, I mean he was tranquilised with a dart gun by the West Midlands Police, tied to a stretcher and pushed into a fruit loop centre on a giant wheelbarrow, obviously. But the point is that his issues are now being addressed, and that is good.

Richard’s situation was brought to a head after he Continue reading Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

Problem With The Adult Content Preservation Engine

Email from ACPE

SHANDI BEEVER:
I had a facial spasm in the live feed on the homepage of the Quixie TV website, and ACPE (the Adult Content Preservation Engine – which builds an archive of adult content online) has archived it. I have written to ACPE to request that my facial spasm be removed. Here is their reply… Continue reading Problem With The Adult Content Preservation Engine

Local Rate TV Chat Calls

Free and Local Rate Chat Calls

SHANDI BEEVER:
Greetings. Given the steady and unstoppable decline in business on Quixie TV, the powers-that-be have been forced to make some tough decisions on the channel’s future. You will already know that several shows have been axed, including Arse Hotline, Late Nite Arse, Early Morning Arse, Arse Heavy, Arse Lite, and several Internet-based spin-offs whose titles also happen to contain the word “Arse”. I know you’ve all been complaining, but I don’t make the rules. Apparently everyone just sits there staring at our firm, ripe and surgically-enhanced buttocks, and not spending any money. Continue reading Local Rate TV Chat Calls

Naughty Text Chat Without a Phone

McDonalds Restaurant

SHANDI BEEVER:
Since I am now facing a chronic tax bill I shall need to earn some extra income. The options my agent has given me are as follows…

1) Sell Juice Plus.

2) Perform a live, televised endurance challenge, which involves me being suspended in a see-through plastic capsule above a flagship McDonald’s restaurant.

For obvious reasons I have chosen Continue reading Naughty Text Chat Without a Phone