Tag Archives: news

New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology

Whilst the squirrel is considered the most intelligent of all rodents, scientists have for many years believed its primary interests to be trees, nuts, and the general mystery of why cousin rat eats eight-month-old beefburgers out of bins. However, as documented in a new study released today, scientists have discovered that squirrels have a much more sophisticated selection of thoughts. Continue reading New Discoveries in Squirrel Psychology

The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

The Making of British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

Every so often, a piece of journalism comes along and turns news reporting on its head. Incisive, clever, insightful – a game-changing story is what every news team strives to serve to the public. This is the story of a piece of journalism that set out to scoop fourteen news awards, an NTA nomination, twenty-seven five-star media reviews, and a BAFTA… And failed. On all counts. In fact it was dropped from the late bulletin to make way for a piece called British Women Drink More Gin Than Water. Continue reading The Making of… British Men Buy More Porn Than Food

Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

I have been gladdened by the news that my virtual boyfriend Richard Lingham has finally sought help for his issues… Well, when I say he sought help, I mean he was tranquilised with a dart gun by the West Midlands Police, tied to a stretcher and pushed into a fruit loop centre on a giant wheelbarrow, obviously. But the point is that his issues are now being addressed, and that is good.

Richard’s situation was brought to a head after he Continue reading Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

Problem With The Adult Content Preservation Engine

Email from ACPE

I had a facial spasm in the live feed on the homepage of the Quixie TV website, and ACPE (the Adult Content Preservation Engine – which builds an archive of adult content online) has archived it. I have written to ACPE to request that my facial spasm be removed. Here is their reply… Continue reading Problem With The Adult Content Preservation Engine

Local Rate TV Chat Calls

Free and Local Rate Chat Calls

Greetings. Given the steady and unstoppable decline in business on Quixie TV, the powers-that-be have been forced to make some tough decisions on the channel’s future. You will already know that several shows have been axed, including Arse Hotline, Late Nite Arse, Early Morning Arse, Arse Heavy, Arse Lite, and several Internet-based spin-offs whose titles also happen to contain the word “Arse”. I know you’ve all been complaining, but I don’t make the rules. Apparently everyone just sits there staring at our firm, ripe and surgically-enhanced buttocks, and not spending any money. Continue reading Local Rate TV Chat Calls

Naughty Text Chat Without a Phone

McDonalds Restaurant

Since I am now facing a chronic tax bill I shall need to earn some extra income. The options my agent has given me are as follows…

1) Sell Juice Plus.

2) Perform a live, televised endurance challenge, which involves me being suspended in a see-through plastic capsule above a flagship McDonald’s restaurant.

For obvious reasons I have chosen Continue reading Naughty Text Chat Without a Phone

Europe’s Worst Private Investigator

Private Investigator Jack Smart

I am writing this post to urge all readers of this blog never to hire private detective Jack Smart.

All he had to do was follow my personal trainer’s protected Twitter account and find out the truth about why he is fat. My trainer claims it is his doctor’s fault that he’s fat, but several people have suggested that it is really because his fitness regime does not work and he eats too many donuts.

Not only has Jack Smart failed to get my PT to accept his follow request on Twitter – he has also got himself blocked by two gymnasium chains, my nutritionist, and several TV health pundits. He has proved absolutely useless in establishing why my personal trainer is fat, and I would strongly recommend that readers steer clear of his incompetent services. Continue reading Europe’s Worst Private Investigator